


the cry in the dark that nobody hears

by LightOverDarkness



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Anger, Angst, Bathing/Washing, Crying, Dark Anakin Skywalker, F/M, Fear, Foreshadowing, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Jedi Temple (Star Wars), Order 66, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Shame, The Dark Side of the Force, The Force, anakin in the bathroom, as he chokes back the tears, he deserves it though, i love him but holy heck he screwed up, it's mainly anakin freaking out in the bathroom because guilt hit him, padme isn't really a main character, sorry about that, this was going to be a fix-it but then I was like nah fam let's keep it angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:01:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22229095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightOverDarkness/pseuds/LightOverDarkness
Summary: After the attack on the Jedi Temple, Anakin wakes up with the sickening realization of what he has done and panics.// title is part of 'What Have I Done' from Les Miserables //
Relationships: Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	the cry in the dark that nobody hears

When the carnage was over and no one else stepped forward to challenge the Dark, it was midnight. Anakin deactivated his lightsaber and stalked away from the smoking Jedi temple. Knight no more, he had completed his first task as a Sith Lord, as Darth Vader, and though it meant the sacrifice of all he had known growing up, he was glad to see it burn. For a moment, he felt proud of what he had done. Proud of his own strength and obedience. 

With the Jedi gone, the world will be restored to order, he thought. After all, this was what he was prophesied to do, was it not? A smile passed briefly over his face, wry and weighted. Tomorrow, Anakin would ask Palpatine how to use the Force to safe his wife from death. 

When he arrived at the home he shared with Padmé, he felt a little uncomfortable as she expressed worry about the attack on the Temple, but he allowed himself to lie and reassure her that all was well. Relieved, she pulled him close and kissed him hard and he felt a flash of chaotic peace, as if he could somehow believe that it was indeed going to be alright. 

Anakin put away his saber and shrugged off his cloak. Hanging it over a chair, he headed to the washroom, where he stripped and bathed for a long while. He was still high on the adrenaline and power he'd exuded that night, the weight of his sins not yet heavy upon his heart. 

Usually Anakin took this time of relaxation to be quiet and meditate on the Force, praying for direction and guidance, but now there was a painful disturbance. He winced. Tonight he could not dwell on the cries of those recently gone. So he decided to ignore his usual meditation, and to look ahead and ponder the future. Soon Padmé would deliver their child, and they would be a real family. He knew that the child would be strong in the Force, so he would train them. Now that the Jedi were all but destroyed, there would be no fear of having his son or daughter taken away and raised by their techniques. Instead, they would be brought up to see the Force as neither good nor evil, to witness both the power of the dark side and the balance of the light. He looked forward to that. 

He almost fell asleep in the bath. After an hour and a half of soaking his stressed body, Anakin rose and dressed for bed. Tomorrow he would have to leave Coruscant and continue his new assignment, but it was important to him that he had this one last night with Padmé. To at least be near her. 

One last night for now, at least. There would be many more years together. He would make sure of that. 

She was asleep in their bed, curled up almost protectively around herself, guarding her unborn child with her own body. He looked at her for a while, saw how tired she was, but how full of peace. Pride blossomed in his chest. He would save her and the child because of his actions tonight. All would be worth it because he would have a family. And they would no longer have to hide. 

Anakin knew she needed to sleep, so he did not wake her. He slipped into the bed and lay very close to her, conscious of her rhythmic breathing. Closing his eyes, he felt his own heart beat in a different but complementary pattern and he savored the moment. As hopeful as he might be, he knew there were brutal days to come. Peace came at a cost. 

Anakin slept, and there were no nightmares for the first time in a long while. He relished the peace-but when he woke shortly before the dawn there was a deep heaviness upon his chest. He opened his eyes and took a deep breath, but he couldn't shake the unfamiliar weight. 

Sitting up, he felt his heart pounding and the muscles in his back and chest constricting. Panic began to take over his thoughts, and he found himself shaking. He didn't know what this was, but it scared him, and he left the bed to pace the room. He was wide awake.

Without warning, the dreadful images of the dying Jedi began to flash across his mind, and he shook his head violently to try and stop it, but it continued. He could hear the screams again. And in that moment, the weight of what he had done struck him like a lightning bolt. A cold sweat broke out upon his body and he found he could not breathe. 

Anakin stumbled to the washroom just in time as he vomited heavily. It was as if the dark subsided after its takeover of his soul, and he came to the terrible realization that his actions were not only the stuff of barbaric horror, but they were unresolvable. The eyes of that trusting, concerned Youngling flashed before him, and he gasped for air. Shaking with shame, he buried his head in his hands and felt his chest constrict with a dry sob. He vomited again, and blacked out momentarily. 

Seconds later he awoke stretched on the floor of the washroom, feverish and in absolute mental hell. Pressing his hands against the cold floor, he pushed himself upright and slid down into a sitting position against the wall, still shaking. His mind was spinning and he couldn't stop thinking about the blood spilled on the floor of the Temple. The Force called out to him in his weakened state and Anakin could not resist it. He felt the sharp sorrow permeating from around the galaxy at the fate of the Jedi and heard the great cry of many voices silenced in one cruel stroke. Like a child, his face crumpled and he began to cry, tears streaming from his eyes and spilling down his cheeks. He thought he would never stop. Racked with pain, he rocked back and forth until he could no longer weep. 

He was covered in sweat and tears when he slowly stood up, making his way to the balcony where he leaned heavily against the railing, staring at the sky traffic and wondering if he should end it all now and jump off. Bitter, bitter fear gripped him. 

What the hell have I done?

He wondered where Obi-Wan was right now. A surge of anger shot through his heart. He was sure he had seriously misjudged his old Master, who followed the ways of he Jedi and who believed in their sick emotional distance. There would be no forgiveness for him. Obi-Wan would never pardon the deeds he had completed, worse, he might even kill him. 

They think I am wrong to feel. Obi-Wan will try to wipe me out. 

He would try. And if he had to fight him, Anakin resolved to win. 

Hatred for his Master, and toward himself and what he had become filled him and he could feel the darkness rise. There could be no going back now. All that was left was to continue along this path set before him, that he had chosen for himself. Anakin's heart began to pump faster once more, but this time it was in rage. 

No more weeping. I know what I have to do now. I will finish what I have started. 

He viewed the sky once more, burning crimson with the sunrise. It was fiercely beautiful. 

Anakin turned from the light and went inside.

**Author's Note:**

> I thought it was important to show that Anakin was not fully Dark until his battle with Kenobi on Mustafar. I liked the idea of the Dark Side subsiding a little in his soul, therefore triggering a deep guilt. 
> 
> Also, I made the bath part on purpose, because the next time we see him bathing, it's high maintenance technical stuff and a bacta tank, and he has become the monster that is Vader. This was Anakin's last night at home, as a real human. 
> 
> And I know that he didn't actually stay with Padme that last night, but I thought this kind of worked without messing up the canon. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
